BAAAILEY.
Hi.
So.
Remember the movie we were freaking out about?
The Perks of Being a Wallflower...?
Yeah...?
The one with Emma Watson and her American accent?
That one.
Well.
I went to watch it.
Yesterday.
With my friend who I told you visited me last summer.
Who still likes fairies.
So....
It's PG13.
And I thought:
I'm 13. I can watch it fine.
Right?
Nope.
It was a good movie and all,
but it should not be rated PG13.
Don't see it.
I'm warning you.
I mean, I'm not affected by all that stuff that much
because I've already been exposed to all of it
but that's because of the perv boys at CIS.
So you shouldn't see it.
If the language wasn't bad enough,
they copied EVERY SINGLE TOPIC.
Seriously.
I'm not kidding.
It included:
serious swearing,
drugs,
alcohol,
boy-on-boy,
child abuse,
the death of the protagonist's best friend,
-TOTALLY REMINDED ME OF KYLE. :'(-
and way too much kissing.
So.
It was good.
But not for you.
Preserve your innocent mind.
Kidding.
But seriously,
we'll go see it together again.
When we're at least 16.
Miss you.
It might snow later.
Brrr.
Love,
Your Angel of Music.
<3
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Over and OVER and OVER.
I forgot this video.
Any LesMis fans will LOVE this.
I found it, and it's impossible to watch just once.
Let me pinpoint my favorite things for you.
0:44, with Max von Essen as Enjolras.
1:03, with Leonardo Luiz as Enjolras.
And last but definitely not least, 1:22 with Victor Wallace as Enjolras.
Let me know what you think and I just know you're going to crack up!
Any LesMis fans will LOVE this.
I found it, and it's impossible to watch just once.
Let me pinpoint my favorite things for you.
0:44, with Max von Essen as Enjolras.
1:03, with Leonardo Luiz as Enjolras.
And last but definitely not least, 1:22 with Victor Wallace as Enjolras.
Let me know what you think and I just know you're going to crack up!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Theatre kid problems
- When you go rambling on about these guys called Prouvaire, Joly, Lesgles, and Bahorel and your friends don't know who you're talking about.
- When you tell your friend "Bye bye Bailey" as a reference to "Bye bye Birdie" but they look at you like you're wacko.
- When you breaking into song over phrases "At the end of the day" "Where is he?" and "I need your shoe to have a child!" gets strange looks from friends.
- When people make fun of you for carrying the brick around everywhere.
- When Dancing At The Gym isn't cool anymore.
- When you point out Captain America's girlfriend has been dead for years and the girls gang up on you.
- When you point out Enjy has more swag than Louis, Zayn, and Harry combine and the girls gang up on you.
- When you scream in the hallways "VIVE LE REPUBLIQUE!!!" and the teachers gang up on you.
- When people tell you Gangnam is more popular than tap.
- When people tell you Ramin is ugly and you go off on a tangent.
- When people don't believe you can go that low.
- Believe it, I'm a freaking tenor-alto.
 | |||||
| Tenor-also swagging. |
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Most hilarious videos on Youtube since the 21st century
We all need a laugh sometimes, right? One of the best ways it to go to Youtube and search for parodies off stuff. My friends and I have found so many HILARIOUS videos. I thought I would share some here, for laughs.
Here are my top ten favorite producers.
10- baracksdubs (They turn Obama's speeches into pop songs.)
9- NarfBiscuits (Most known for Kid History, where the kids tell the story.)
8- Brock'sDub (Friday parody is my favorite.)
7- Tobuscus (They do hilarious LITERAL trailers.)
6- NeilCicierga (They do the Potter Puppet Pals.)
5- nigahiga (He's hilarious. I love the iPod human and Justin Bieber parody.)
4- HISHEdotcom (How it should have ended. Speaks for itself.)
3- barelypolitical (They make the Key of Awesome Parodies.)
2- RhettandLink (Their 'Caption Fails' are accountable for me falling off my chair laughing!)
1- JckSparrow (Better known as the Hillywood Show! These two sisters are the best. Enjoy!)
I hope I've succeeded in making you laugh! If you found other HILARIOUS Youtube creators, be sure to send me a comment or two.
Here are my top ten favorite producers.
10- baracksdubs (They turn Obama's speeches into pop songs.)
9- NarfBiscuits (Most known for Kid History, where the kids tell the story.)
8- Brock'sDub (Friday parody is my favorite.)
7- Tobuscus (They do hilarious LITERAL trailers.)
6- NeilCicierga (They do the Potter Puppet Pals.)
5- nigahiga (He's hilarious. I love the iPod human and Justin Bieber parody.)
4- HISHEdotcom (How it should have ended. Speaks for itself.)
3- barelypolitical (They make the Key of Awesome Parodies.)
2- RhettandLink (Their 'Caption Fails' are accountable for me falling off my chair laughing!)
1- JckSparrow (Better known as the Hillywood Show! These two sisters are the best. Enjoy!)
ANGSTY AND ANGRY FANGIRL
I know some of you can relate to this.
The awkward moment when someone tells you Ramin Karimloo is not handome.
And you flip out!
If you can't tell, Bailey, I am writing this just for you! Or your friend. But its payback for all the times you made fun of the man!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrantaire!!!!
I'm proving you all wrong, right now.
Except for my PhantomNeverDies friend who I know adores him as much as I do because you just did a post on him. <3
POH: (proof of handsomeness)
 |
| He's still hot. |
 |
| Me |
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
From the mind of...
Our Dear Little Jehan On Thoughts Of Revolution, Poetry, And Clouds
Have you ever stopped to look at the clouds? They are more important than we think, sometimes. I must confess one of my guilty pleasures is to lie back on the field and stare up at them. I often lose track of time and end up returning home when it is nearly dusk. They look like things and are simply facinating.
Clouds are like poetry. Each work is unique and takes time to form to be brilliant. They can be shaped, but sometimes they should not be tampered with. That is one of the reasons I love being a poet. I let my emotions flow, but they can be hidden sometimes. That is part of my gentle spirit.
I play the flute. Did you know that? Many people overlook the little things I do for the big picture, but that's alright with me. I am a small part of the big picture. Even my friends forget about my sometimes, but I always end up forgiving them, because they always end up being sorry about it. It's not their fault. I am not the most assertive nor memorable member of our group. I could stay mad at them, but it's not in my nature.
However, people think that because I am the 'gentle one,' as some people put it, I have smaller beliefs than others in the revolution. This is not true. I assure you I am quite firm about my beliefs, and while I may get slightly flustered when asked, I will defend them. I have the same amount of determination as the others, but I just do not go around showing it every second.
The one thing, and the one thing only that I cannot deal with is the outcome of lives involving our revolution. I know as well as any that it will harm others. Women and children will get sucked into our revolution unwillingly, and our revolution will likely lead to our deaths. It is not that I mind, though. It is the death of others. They seem to want to hide it from me, but I know we will end up fighting. Causing the death of others. I... I cannot bring myself to do that, but I know I will anyways. It's a sin. An atrocity. As vile as our enemy may be, no one deserves that fate. They do not think that way and they would not hesitate to end my life, but there you have it. My internal conflict.
And what can I do about it? I cannot do anything. Who do I go to? Enjolras would shame me if he knew. Combeferre would be understandably worried. Most of the other Amis would laugh or shrug it off. So here I am. I can lock myself up in my world of poetry and clouds, but I know it will not last. It is the best I can do.
Clouds are like poetry. Each work is unique and takes time to form to be brilliant. They can be shaped, but sometimes they should not be tampered with. That is one of the reasons I love being a poet. I let my emotions flow, but they can be hidden sometimes. That is part of my gentle spirit.
I play the flute. Did you know that? Many people overlook the little things I do for the big picture, but that's alright with me. I am a small part of the big picture. Even my friends forget about my sometimes, but I always end up forgiving them, because they always end up being sorry about it. It's not their fault. I am not the most assertive nor memorable member of our group. I could stay mad at them, but it's not in my nature.
However, people think that because I am the 'gentle one,' as some people put it, I have smaller beliefs than others in the revolution. This is not true. I assure you I am quite firm about my beliefs, and while I may get slightly flustered when asked, I will defend them. I have the same amount of determination as the others, but I just do not go around showing it every second.
The one thing, and the one thing only that I cannot deal with is the outcome of lives involving our revolution. I know as well as any that it will harm others. Women and children will get sucked into our revolution unwillingly, and our revolution will likely lead to our deaths. It is not that I mind, though. It is the death of others. They seem to want to hide it from me, but I know we will end up fighting. Causing the death of others. I... I cannot bring myself to do that, but I know I will anyways. It's a sin. An atrocity. As vile as our enemy may be, no one deserves that fate. They do not think that way and they would not hesitate to end my life, but there you have it. My internal conflict.
And what can I do about it? I cannot do anything. Who do I go to? Enjolras would shame me if he knew. Combeferre would be understandably worried. Most of the other Amis would laugh or shrug it off. So here I am. I can lock myself up in my world of poetry and clouds, but I know it will not last. It is the best I can do.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Reasons why I hate the 21st century
Well, I've had it. I hate computers.
Granted I am using one to type this right now, but I'm still frustuated with them.
It is so HARD to upload videos. Grrrrr.....
I NEED to upload videos. But when I try to do it on blogger, it says "There was a problem publishing your video. Try again later."
Believe me, blogger, I have tried again later for DAYS but it doesn't work.
Then I thought: Okay, I can upload videos from youtube easily, so maybe I can create a private playlist and put my videos on there and then upload them.
So I tried that.
And it STILL WON'T UPLOAD!
It used to go to 95% and then stop and load and load and load and load so I refreshed the page and tried it again. It is still at 0% and I have been watching it for an hour.
So I went straight to iMovie and clicked upload to youtube and the bar went all the way up but nothing's happening.
I am one unhappy camper.
I think I'll stick to pictures for the time being.
Granted I am using one to type this right now, but I'm still frustuated with them.
It is so HARD to upload videos. Grrrrr.....
I NEED to upload videos. But when I try to do it on blogger, it says "There was a problem publishing your video. Try again later."
Believe me, blogger, I have tried again later for DAYS but it doesn't work.
Then I thought: Okay, I can upload videos from youtube easily, so maybe I can create a private playlist and put my videos on there and then upload them.
So I tried that.
And it STILL WON'T UPLOAD!
It used to go to 95% and then stop and load and load and load and load so I refreshed the page and tried it again. It is still at 0% and I have been watching it for an hour.
So I went straight to iMovie and clicked upload to youtube and the bar went all the way up but nothing's happening.
I am one unhappy camper.
I think I'll stick to pictures for the time being.
Monday, October 8, 2012
RAMIN!!
Hi everyone. I thought I should do a little post on Ramin Karimloo since I was watching the 25th anniversary of LesMis and totally freaking out. Hah. It's hard not to freak out, honestly
I also wanted to post some videos I found with my friend. That are really funny moments. With pop singers that I don't like. So if you don't like 1D and Bieber, you'll enjoy this. BUAHAHAH!
SOOOO back to Ramin! We all know him as possibly the best Enjolras EVER. He could totally become a motivational speaker. Amazing. Isn't his voice the most enchanting? And one thing I totally wish I had would be the 25th anniversary of the Phantom. It totally left me speechless. By the time it was over I was nearly on top of the TV. Haha, I doubt Christine would try to stay away from THAT Phantom.
He's 34. He doesn't look it, does he?
Anyways, I feel like humiliating some pop singers.
Enjoy. *evil eriky*
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Take that Harry Not-so-styles!!!
I also wanted to post some videos I found with my friend. That are really funny moments. With pop singers that I don't like. So if you don't like 1D and Bieber, you'll enjoy this. BUAHAHAH!
SOOOO back to Ramin! We all know him as possibly the best Enjolras EVER. He could totally become a motivational speaker. Amazing. Isn't his voice the most enchanting? And one thing I totally wish I had would be the 25th anniversary of the Phantom. It totally left me speechless. By the time it was over I was nearly on top of the TV. Haha, I doubt Christine would try to stay away from THAT Phantom.He's 34. He doesn't look it, does he?
Anyways, I feel like humiliating some pop singers.
Enjoy. *evil eriky*
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Broadway Abridged- The Phantom of the Opera
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ABRIDGED
OR
BROADWAY: THE RIDE
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
Stark, 80s-British-MegaMusical
lighting.
A French CHAIN GANG enters and sings
in outlandish British accents:
CHAIN GANG
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
OH, PRISON LIFE IS D--
Sorry about that. Wrong musical.
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
Stark, 80s-British-Megamusical
lighting.
An French AUCTIONEER enters and sings
in an outlandish British accent:
AUCTIONEER
...and you win the three human skulls, you peculiar rich man.
Auction Lot number 665, ladies and gentlemen. A creepy-ass
monkey playing the cymbals that was once a meaningless
weighted object in a Rock Opera that ran longer than CATS.
Can we start at fifteen francs?
OLD MAN
Fifteen francs.
AUCTIONEER
Fifteen francs going once, going twice...
OLD MAN
And two bits.
AUCTIONEER
You can't outbid yourself, sir.
OLD MAN
But I'm the only bidder here. It makes a boring auction
otherwise.
AUCTIONEER
Sold to the crazy old man, for fifteen francs and twenty five
American cents.
OLD MAN
(to monkey)
A poem, by OLD MAN RAOUL:
Oh little monkeything, you are so weird.
Will you still be playing when the rest of us are dead?
Do you think anyone knows what the heck is going on right
now? Or who the heck I am?
Oh little monkeything.
(bows)
AUCTIONEER
Pathetic.
Now we're going to auction off a CHANDELIER! This relic of a
late 1980s Broadway musical was once considered an impressive
display of theatrical technology. Today, stupid
tourists still love it.
It is presented as LOT SIX-SIX-SIX,
WHICH IS THE DEVIL'S NUMBER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
RISE, RISE,
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER!
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER
(sounds like the name of
a bad horror film)
Synths.
The chandelier rises, ascending towards
the ceiling to the lovely sounds of
RIPPED OFF PINK FLOYD.
STUPID TOURISTS
Oooooooh an object being moved by a pulley system OOOOOOOH!
SCENE: THE WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.
Eighteen ballerinas leap onstage doing
the moves from that current hit music
video, "Walk Like An Egyptian".
Men whip women. Seriously.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
A dance break to stop the plot before
it even gets to begin.
BALLERINAS
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!
You've got us enraptured, Andrew Lloyd
Webber. What's next?
FORMER OPERA OWNER
Humongous cast, these are your new Opera Owners. They will
provide feeble ineffective "comic relief", as we BRITISH say.
Which, um, we're NOT.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I'm the lead. This annoys me, THE LEAD, for no reason
because I'm a "Prima Donna". That's Italian for "Freak".
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I'm hungry.
A very light backdrop falls onto the
floor and doesn't hurt anybody at all.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUST HAVE DONE IT!
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
Come now, there's no such thing as Phantoms of Operas!
FORMER OPERA OWNER
Oh no, there is. You have to pay him twenty thousand francs
a month, and from time to time he will kill a chorus member.
Also he may or may not be the guy who composes every single
one of the operas we put on.
Did I forget to mention that?
(skedaddles)
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
He drops a very very light backdrop. He glues a French Franc
to the floor and nobody can pick it up. He puts Saran Wrap
on the toilets.
He switches the salt and pepper shakers--my Coq au Vin was
WAAYYYY too peppery.
I CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! AND I'M NOT
THE LEAD ANYMORE!
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
That's fine, we'll have the understudy do it.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
it is a new opera. there is no understudy.
we only have understudies for revivals.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
That makes zero sense.
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
Christine Die, Eh? could sing the part. She's got a tew-tah.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
A what?
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
A tew-tah.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
This is why you're only a dancer.
Who teaches you, Christine?
WE SEE A FLASHBACK OF
THE PHANTOM TEACHING CHRISTINE.
PHANTOM
(hiding behind wardrobe)
That's it Christine, fling your arms out!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(in hideous Sarah Brightman
wig)
Like this, disembodied voice that is giving me singing
lessons for free?
PHANTOM
(dramatically jumping, then
hiding behind a couch)
Yes. Now remember this, never sing unless your arms are
flung out or you'll end up singing not good. Occasionally
you can hug yourself too, that's okay.
BACK TO OPERA HOUSE:
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
That Christine, she "always" has her head in the clouds. And
by "always", I mean "in this scene".
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
let her sing for you. she's awesome.
Christine sings.
After her customary two "I'm too
nervous to sing" lines, she's GREAT!
You can tell she's MUCH BETTER than the
Female Italian Stereotype, because she
has much less vibrato, and flings her
arms to the side much, MUCH more.
FORCED TRANSITION TO:
SCENE: CHRISTINE IS SINGING ONSTAGE IN THE REAL OPERA, AND
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY EITHER.
Enter a lack of personality.
RAOUL
Can it be, can it be Christine?
BRAVO!
What a change, you're really not a meanie.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
The reviewers love her way more, because she's thinner!
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Waaaah. I'm not the lead anymore.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
christine, you did a great job for the disfigured man i
...
you didn't hear me say that.
as for you, dancers, you all did uniformly terribly.
everybody, rehearsal, now.
FOURTH LEAD FEMALE
What? It's eleven forty five at night. That's ridiculous.
WOMAN WHO WEARS DARK BLACK
TO MATCH THE DARK SECRET
SHE'S HAD ALL THESE DARK,
DARK YEARS
actors equity doesn't cover operas. or exist yet. now dance
in the background behind a scrim for the next ten minutes
without music while nobody in the audience even notices.
RAOUL enters Christine's dressing room.
RAOUL
HEY. I don't know if you remember me, my name's Raoul, we
were friends when we were little. I was pretty foppish and
weak so you probably didn't notice me. Also something vague
about a scarf.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(barely noticing that this is
the first time she's seen him
since she was 14)
Also something about a little Latte.
So what have you been up to?
RAOUL
For eight to ten years? I went through puberty, still
rocking the "foppish and weak" thing...
So, you know, there was that. You look pretty today.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
Angel of Music to you". Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I
have been visited by the Angel of Music.
RAOUL
...hmm.
RAOUL runs for his life because Men Are
Afraid Of Commitment.
Christine hears a disembodied voice in
her dressing room.
PHANTOM
(off-stage)
OOOOGLY BOOGLY BOO!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Angel of Music?!?!?!? I installed a one-way mirror just like
you asked.
PHANTOM
I know.... OH... I KNOW...
(drools)
Come, step directly through the mirror with me somehow!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Sure. I always step into small corridors that are filled
with smoke.
Raoul hears SYNTHS and is
understandably concerned.
He barges into the dressing room door,
but it's okay because it opens up by
itself.
PHANTOM
ONE OF MY MANY INEXPLICABLE MAGIC POWERS IS THE ABILITY TO
INSTALL AUTOMAGIC DOOR OPENERS LIKE THE KIND YOU FIND AT
PATHMARK!
RAOUL
Darn! And I probably would have gotten a kiss from her tonight.
(to audience)
Oh, you don't think so? Why you little-
SCENE: THE IMPOSSIBLY ELABORATE UNDERGROUND LAIR OF THE
PHANTOM
Synths, y'all.
Fake Phantom and Christine run back and
forth on the same damn bridge for a
while, then emerge onto the
Awesomeboat Which Moves By Itself.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Phantom, where are we?
S-s-s-synths.
PHANTOM DOUBLE
I'm not the Phantom, Christine, I'm the Phantom double.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Why do you exist?
PHANTOM DOUBLE
What?
CHRISTINE DOUBLE
I didn't say anything.
But did someone say SYNTHS?
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
REAL PHANTOM! Where are we?
PHANTOM
This is the Phantom Of The Opera flume ride originally built
for Universal Studios. The Operahouse of France is trying to
put on a performance of a new work, but SOMETHING HAS GONE
HORRIBLY WRONG!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Wow!
PHANTOM
(if you look in the mirror, he's
in the flume WITH YOU!)
Yeah, unfortunately the movie kinda tanked, so we took the
audio-animatronics and put them into the Broadway show. You
can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can
hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
(smacks him in the side of the
head)
PHANTOM
SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME
MY CREPE SUZETTE!
Phantom and Christine get out of the
boat onto a part of the stage that has
lots of smoke, and can stand just
fine there. Even though smoke
represents "water".
Must be PHANTOM-MAGIC!
PHANTOM
Lemme just get comfortable here... take off my hat, my cape,
my shoes, put on my slippers, take off my mask--HA! GOTCHA!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
...
PHANTOM
Now sing for me!
SING FOR ME MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
SING FOR ME!
DO IT!
DOOOOOO IT!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
Syyyyyyyyyyynnnnnnnttthhhssssssss.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
What song do you you want me to sing? Like a specific song?
PHANTOM
I don't know, just choose one note and sing it over and over
again.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Okay.
(singing)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(long, deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
(hyperventilates)
PHANTOM
(in a twenty minute song that
goes like this:)
OOOOHHH DARKNESS, ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT,
MUSIC MUSIC DARKNESS ANGEL NIGHT,
LET YOUR FEAR GIVE IN TO MUSIC
LET YOUR MUSIC GIVE IN TO FEAR.
DARKNESS DARKNESS ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT
I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC
YOU ARE MY ANGEL OF MUSIC TOO
TOGETHER WE ARE DUAL ANGELS OF MUSICS.
(pacing back and forth awhile)
MUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIIIIIICSSSSSSSSSS!!!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
This is really endearing and not creepy at all!
PHANTOM
Oh, so I wanted to show you this thing I made. It's a wax
figure of you, in a wedding dress.
(gesturing to it very
presentationally)
It's made to your exact dimensions. And I stole some sweat
off of your body while you were sleeping.
SO SHE SMELLS LIKE YOU TOO.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Ah.
Christine has now fallen asleep,
because "Music of the Night" was too
long.
The monkeything is playing a terribly
composed little tune next to her. It
still doesn't mean anything.
PHANTOM
(miming a completely
unintelligible song on the
organ)
THIS IS MY KINGDOM.
WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUSIC.
CAUSE MUSIC IS MAGIC.
LIKE THE FORCE.
Christine is now awake again, and the
thought of what may have happened to
her while asleep is now giving her
the jibblies.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I wonder what he looks like under the mask. I bet the best
way to find out is to just walk right up to him and pull it
off while he's fully awake.
This happens.
They both drop to the floor, weeping
openly, and crawling around onstage.
Maybe there is a reason for this.
PHANTOM
OOOH! OH, YOU GOT ME!
YOU VIXEN! YOU HARLOT! YOU PANDORA! YOU DELILAH! YOU
PERSEPHONE! YOU OTHER LITERARY FIGURES I LOOKED UP ON THE
SHAKESPEARE INSULT GENERATOR!
The Phantom cries. A lot.
It is unbearably awkward.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Can I go home yet?
YOU, THE ONE SANE
THEATERGOER IN A SEA OF
TOURISTS
I finally feel for Christine's character!
SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS, WHERE EVERYBODY PRESUMES
RAOUL AND CHRISTINE ARE LOVERS EVEN THOUGH CHRISTINE
DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY FIRST RE-MET.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS!
SCENE: THE OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR
LIFE.
Enter a horrible costume in whiteface.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
I am cheating on my husband with a female dressed as a
pageboy!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
I am playing a mute boy who OOPS.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Nineteenth century Frenchmen will watch anything!
PHANTOM
Guuuuuuyyyyyyyssssssss...
(sobs ridiculously)
You didn't listen to my casting notes AT ALLLLLLLL.
Now I will casually mention bringing down the Chandelier even
though I won't decide to bring it down till the next scene.
THIS IS WAR!
PHANTOM has acquired +5 FROG
VOICE-IFICATION.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
(in a frog voice?)
Wait you have the power to do what now!
PHANTOM
That's not all I can do! Check this out.
Hanging by the neck from the ceiling is
a MANNEQUIN MADE OF SOFT GOOSEFEATHERS.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
(froggily)
IT'S THE SARAN WRAP ALL OVER AGAIN!
I am NOT the lead anymore! PRIIIIMMMAAAA DOOOONNNAAAA!!!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Raoul, come quickly, we must go to the rooftop at night,
because maybe Phantoms are afraid of rooftops at night.
RAOUL
There is no such thing as a Phantom. Or maybe there is. I
can't decide.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Isn't it blissfully coincidental that the Phantom uses the
same "Angel of Music" terminology that my dead Dad used to?
RAOUL
His intimate knowledge of your childhood concerns me. How
about I propose to you without a ring right now.
C'mere, hugs!
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Raoul:
Say you'll love me every waking moment,
Say you need me with you now and always,
Say you'll shelter me, and shower me with kisses,
Say you'll get me pain au chocolat at 3 AM if I want you to,
Say you'll draw me baths of the finest champagne,
and go to ridiculous lengths to appease me when I become a
cantankerous freak every fourth week of the month.
Raoul,
that's all I ask
of you.
Also do you love me enough to sing real high?
The phantom emerges from a LITERAL
ANGEL OF MUSIC statue that is
floating in the middle of air.
PHANTOM
*I* love you enough to sing real high.
Oh, not even my +11 power to make statues float in mid-air
could turn your love to me.
(sobs endlessly: a master class
in terrible acting)
That's it! It's WAR.... AGAIN!
CUT TO:
BACK AT THE OPERA, WHERE A MAN HAS DIED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE
HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE BUT THEY'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH A
PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.
Recorded applause reminds audience to
applaud.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Oooohhh---
The chandelier begins to descend slowly
from the ceiling.
BOTH OPERA OWNERS
Look out everyone it's falling!
It continues to descend at a snail's
pace.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY WE'RE LOSING TIME I'M THE LEAD AGAIN
It has moved about a foot.
FAT ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Quick, it's falling entirely of its own accord in a way that
is completely unnatural to the basic laws of physics!
The chandelier has stalled mid-air, and
then with a lurch starts back up on its
slow, inexorable journey towards the
floor.
FEMALE ITALIAN STEREOTYPE
Get out of the way it's SPEEDING TOWARDS US.
Christine has failed to move an inch,
despite ample lead time, and the
chandelier softly caresses her shoulder
as the lights go down...
OH NO IS CHRISTINE OKAY?
SCENE: A FANCY MASQUERADE BALL.
CHRISTINE DIE, EH?
Yeah I'm perfectly fine.
PERSON DRESSED HEAD-TO-TOE
IN WEIGHTED-OBJECT-MONKEY
PLAYING-THE-CYMBALS COSTUME
I obviously don't understand what a masquerade is.
Everybody dances on the staircase
BROADWAY: THE RIDE
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
OH, PRISON LIFE IS D--
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
...and you win the three human skulls, you peculiar rich man.
Auction Lot number 665, ladies and gentlemen. A creepy-ass
monkey playing the cymbals that was once a meaningless
weighted object in a Rock Opera that ran longer than CATS.
Can we start at fifteen francs?
Fifteen francs.
Fifteen francs going once, going twice...
And two bits.
You can't outbid yourself, sir.
But I'm the only bidder here. It makes a boring auction
otherwise.
Sold to the crazy old man, for fifteen francs and twenty five
American cents.
(to monkey)
A poem, by OLD MAN RAOUL:
Oh little monkeything, you are so weird.
Will you still be playing when the rest of us are dead?
Do you think anyone knows what the heck is going on right
now? Or who the heck I am?
Oh little monkeything.
(bows)
Pathetic.
Now we're going to auction off a CHANDELIER! This relic of a
late 1980s Broadway musical was once considered an impressive
display of theatrical technology. Today, stupid
tourists still love it.
It is presented as LOT SIX-SIX-SIX,
WHICH IS THE DEVIL'S NUMBER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
RISE, RISE,
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER!
(sounds like the name of
a bad horror film)
Oooooooh an object being moved by a pulley system OOOOOOOH!
SCENE: THE WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Humongous cast, these are your new Opera Owners. They will
provide feeble ineffective "comic relief", as we BRITISH say.
Which, um, we're NOT.
I'm the lead. This annoys me, THE LEAD, for no reason
because I'm a "Prima Donna". That's Italian for "Freak".
I'm hungry.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUST HAVE DONE IT!
Come now, there's no such thing as Phantoms of Operas!
Oh no, there is. You have to pay him twenty thousand francs
a month, and from time to time he will kill a chorus member.
Also he may or may not be the guy who composes every single
one of the operas we put on.
Did I forget to mention that?
(skedaddles)
He drops a very very light backdrop. He glues a French Franc
to the floor and nobody can pick it up. He puts Saran Wrap
on the toilets.
He switches the salt and pepper shakers--my Coq au Vin was
WAAYYYY too peppery.
I CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! AND I'M NOT
THE LEAD ANYMORE!
That's fine, we'll have the understudy do it.
it is a new opera. there is no understudy.
we only have understudies for revivals.
That makes zero sense.
Christine Die, Eh? could sing the part. She's got a tew-tah.
A what?
A tew-tah.
This is why you're only a dancer.
Who teaches you, Christine?
(hiding behind wardrobe)
That's it Christine, fling your arms out!
(in hideous Sarah Brightman
wig)
Like this, disembodied voice that is giving me singing
lessons for free?
(dramatically jumping, then
hiding behind a couch)
Yes. Now remember this, never sing unless your arms are
flung out or you'll end up singing not good. Occasionally
you can hug yourself too, that's okay.
That Christine, she "always" has her head in the clouds. And
by "always", I mean "in this scene".
let her sing for you. she's awesome.
SCENE: CHRISTINE IS SINGING ONSTAGE IN THE REAL OPERA, AND
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY EITHER.
Can it be, can it be Christine?
BRAVO!
What a change, you're really not a meanie.
The reviewers love her way more, because she's thinner!
Waaaah. I'm not the lead anymore.
christine, you did a great job for the disfigured man i
...
you didn't hear me say that.
as for you, dancers, you all did uniformly terribly.
everybody, rehearsal, now.
What? It's eleven forty five at night. That's ridiculous.
actors equity doesn't cover operas. or exist yet. now dance
in the background behind a scrim for the next ten minutes
without music while nobody in the audience even notices.
HEY. I don't know if you remember me, my name's Raoul, we
were friends when we were little. I was pretty foppish and
weak so you probably didn't notice me. Also something vague
about a scarf.
(barely noticing that this is
the first time she's seen him
since she was 14)
Also something about a little Latte.
So what have you been up to?
For eight to ten years? I went through puberty, still
rocking the "foppish and weak" thing...
So, you know, there was that. You look pretty today.
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
Angel of Music to you". Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I
have been visited by the Angel of Music.
...hmm.
(off-stage)
OOOOGLY BOOGLY BOO!
Angel of Music?!?!?!? I installed a one-way mirror just like
you asked.
I know.... OH... I KNOW...
(drools)
Come, step directly through the mirror with me somehow!
Sure. I always step into small corridors that are filled
with smoke.
ONE OF MY MANY INEXPLICABLE MAGIC POWERS IS THE ABILITY TO
INSTALL AUTOMAGIC DOOR OPENERS LIKE THE KIND YOU FIND AT
PATHMARK!
Darn! And I probably would have gotten a kiss from her tonight.
(to audience)
Oh, you don't think so? Why you little-
SCENE: THE IMPOSSIBLY ELABORATE UNDERGROUND LAIR OF THE
PHANTOM
Phantom, where are we?
I'm not the Phantom, Christine, I'm the Phantom double.
Why do you exist?
What?
I didn't say anything.
REAL PHANTOM! Where are we?
This is the Phantom Of The Opera flume ride originally built
for Universal Studios. The Operahouse of France is trying to
put on a performance of a new work, but SOMETHING HAS GONE
HORRIBLY WRONG!
Wow!
(if you look in the mirror, he's
in the flume WITH YOU!)
Yeah, unfortunately the movie kinda tanked, so we took the
audio-animatronics and put them into the Broadway show. You
can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can
hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly
(smacks him in the side of the
head)
SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME
MY CREPE SUZETTE!
Lemme just get comfortable here... take off my hat, my cape,
my shoes, put on my slippers, take off my mask--HA! GOTCHA!
...
Now sing for me!
SING FOR ME MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
SING FOR ME!
DO IT!
DOOOOOO IT!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
What song do you you want me to sing? Like a specific song?
I don't know, just choose one note and sing it over and over
again.
Okay.
(singing)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(long, deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(hyperventilates)
(in a twenty minute song that
goes like this:)
OOOOHHH DARKNESS, ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT,
MUSIC MUSIC DARKNESS ANGEL NIGHT,
LET YOUR FEAR GIVE IN TO MUSIC
LET YOUR MUSIC GIVE IN TO FEAR.
DARKNESS DARKNESS ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT
I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC
YOU ARE MY ANGEL OF MUSIC TOO
TOGETHER WE ARE DUAL ANGELS OF MUSICS.
(pacing back and forth awhile)
MUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIIIIIICSSSS
This is really endearing and not creepy at all!
Oh, so I wanted to show you this thing I made. It's a wax
figure of you, in a wedding dress.
(gesturing to it very
presentationally)
It's made to your exact dimensions. And I stole some sweat
off of your body while you were sleeping.
SO SHE SMELLS LIKE YOU TOO.
Ah.
(miming a completely
unintelligible song on the
organ)
THIS IS MY KINGDOM.
WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUSIC.
CAUSE MUSIC IS MAGIC.
LIKE THE FORCE.
I wonder what he looks like under the mask. I bet the best
way to find out is to just walk right up to him and pull it
off while he's fully awake.
OOOH! OH, YOU GOT ME!
YOU VIXEN! YOU HARLOT! YOU PANDORA! YOU DELILAH! YOU
PERSEPHONE! YOU OTHER LITERARY FIGURES I LOOKED UP ON THE
SHAKESPEARE INSULT GENERATOR!
Can I go home yet?
I finally feel for Christine's character!
SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS, WHERE EVERYBODY PRESUMES
RAOUL AND CHRISTINE ARE LOVERS EVEN THOUGH CHRISTINE
DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY FIRST RE-MET.
THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS!
SCENE: THE OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR
LIFE.
I am cheating on my husband with a female dressed as a
pageboy!
I am playing a mute boy who OOPS.
Nineteenth century Frenchmen will watch anything!
Guuuuuuyyyyyyyssssssss...
(sobs ridiculously)
You didn't listen to my casting notes AT ALLLLLLLL.
Now I will casually mention bringing down the Chandelier even
though I won't decide to bring it down till the next scene.
THIS IS WAR!
(in a frog voice?)
Wait you have the power to do what now!
That's not all I can do! Check this out.
(froggily)
IT'S THE SARAN WRAP ALL OVER AGAIN!
I am NOT the lead anymore! PRIIIIMMMAAAA DOOOONNNAAAA!!!
Raoul, come quickly, we must go to the rooftop at night,
because maybe Phantoms are afraid of rooftops at night.
There is no such thing as a Phantom. Or maybe there is. I
can't decide.
Isn't it blissfully coincidental that the Phantom uses the
same "Angel of Music" terminology that my dead Dad used to?
His intimate knowledge of your childhood concerns me. How
about I propose to you without a ring right now.
C'mere, hugs!
Raoul:
Say you'll love me every waking moment,
Say you need me with you now and always,
Say you'll shelter me, and shower me with kisses,
Say you'll get me pain au chocolat at 3 AM if I want you to,
Say you'll draw me baths of the finest champagne,
and go to ridiculous lengths to appease me when I become a
cantankerous freak every fourth week of the month.
Raoul,
that's all I ask
of you.
Also do you love me enough to sing real high?
*I* love you enough to sing real high.
Oh, not even my +11 power to make statues float in mid-air
could turn your love to me.
(sobs endlessly: a master class
in terrible acting)
That's it! It's WAR.... AGAIN!
BACK AT THE OPERA, WHERE A MAN HAS DIED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE
HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE BUT THEY'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH A
PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.
Oooohhh---
Look out everyone it's falling!
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY WE'RE LOSING TIME I'M THE LEAD AGAIN
Quick, it's falling entirely of its own accord in a way that
is completely unnatural to the basic laws of physics!
Get out of the way it's SPEEDING TOWARDS US.
SCENE: A FANCY MASQUERADE BALL.
Yeah I'm perfectly fine.
I obviously don't understand what a masquerade is.