BROADWAY: THE RIDE
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Jennifer Jordan
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
OH, PRISON LIFE IS D--
SCENE: AN EMPTY STAGE.
...and you win the three human skulls, you peculiar rich man.
Auction Lot number 665, ladies and gentlemen. A creepy-ass
monkey playing the cymbals that was once a meaningless
weighted object in a Rock Opera that ran longer than CATS.
Can we start at fifteen francs?
Fifteen francs.
Fifteen francs going once, going twice...
And two bits.
You can't outbid yourself, sir.
But I'm the only bidder here. It makes a boring auction
otherwise.
Sold to the crazy old man, for fifteen francs and twenty five
American cents.
(to monkey)
A poem, by OLD MAN RAOUL:
Oh little monkeything, you are so weird.
Will you still be playing when the rest of us are dead?
Do you think anyone knows what the heck is going on right
now? Or who the heck I am?
Oh little monkeything.
(bows)
Pathetic.
Now we're going to auction off a CHANDELIER! This relic of a
late 1980s Broadway musical was once considered an impressive
display of theatrical technology. Today, stupid
tourists still love it.
It is presented as LOT SIX-SIX-SIX,
WHICH IS THE DEVIL'S NUMBER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
RISE, RISE,
DEVIL'S CHANDELIER!
(sounds like the name of
a bad horror film)
Oooooooh an object being moved by a pulley system OOOOOOOH!
SCENE: THE WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Humongous cast, these are your new Opera Owners. They will
provide feeble ineffective "comic relief", as we BRITISH say.
Which, um, we're NOT.
I'm the lead. This annoys me, THE LEAD, for no reason
because I'm a "Prima Donna". That's Italian for "Freak".
I'm hungry.
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUST HAVE DONE IT!
Come now, there's no such thing as Phantoms of Operas!
Oh no, there is. You have to pay him twenty thousand francs
a month, and from time to time he will kill a chorus member.
Also he may or may not be the guy who composes every single
one of the operas we put on.
Did I forget to mention that?
(skedaddles)
He drops a very very light backdrop. He glues a French Franc
to the floor and nobody can pick it up. He puts Saran Wrap
on the toilets.
He switches the salt and pepper shakers--my Coq au Vin was
WAAYYYY too peppery.
I CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS! AND I'M NOT
THE LEAD ANYMORE!
That's fine, we'll have the understudy do it.
it is a new opera. there is no understudy.
we only have understudies for revivals.
That makes zero sense.
Christine Die, Eh? could sing the part. She's got a tew-tah.
A what?
A tew-tah.
This is why you're only a dancer.
Who teaches you, Christine?
(hiding behind wardrobe)
That's it Christine, fling your arms out!
(in hideous Sarah Brightman
wig)
Like this, disembodied voice that is giving me singing
lessons for free?
(dramatically jumping, then
hiding behind a couch)
Yes. Now remember this, never sing unless your arms are
flung out or you'll end up singing not good. Occasionally
you can hug yourself too, that's okay.
That Christine, she "always" has her head in the clouds. And
by "always", I mean "in this scene".
let her sing for you. she's awesome.
SCENE: CHRISTINE IS SINGING ONSTAGE IN THE REAL OPERA, AND
PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTUDY EITHER.
Can it be, can it be Christine?
BRAVO!
What a change, you're really not a meanie.
The reviewers love her way more, because she's thinner!
Waaaah. I'm not the lead anymore.
christine, you did a great job for the disfigured man i
...
you didn't hear me say that.
as for you, dancers, you all did uniformly terribly.
everybody, rehearsal, now.
What? It's eleven forty five at night. That's ridiculous.
actors equity doesn't cover operas. or exist yet. now dance
in the background behind a scrim for the next ten minutes
without music while nobody in the audience even notices.
HEY. I don't know if you remember me, my name's Raoul, we
were friends when we were little. I was pretty foppish and
weak so you probably didn't notice me. Also something vague
about a scarf.
(barely noticing that this is
the first time she's seen him
since she was 14)
Also something about a little Latte.
So what have you been up to?
For eight to ten years? I went through puberty, still
rocking the "foppish and weak" thing...
So, you know, there was that. You look pretty today.
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
Angel of Music to you". Well, father is dead, Raoul, and I
have been visited by the Angel of Music.
...hmm.
(off-stage)
OOOOGLY BOOGLY BOO!
Angel of Music?!?!?!? I installed a one-way mirror just like
you asked.
I know.... OH... I KNOW...
(drools)
Come, step directly through the mirror with me somehow!
Sure. I always step into small corridors that are filled
with smoke.
ONE OF MY MANY INEXPLICABLE MAGIC POWERS IS THE ABILITY TO
INSTALL AUTOMAGIC DOOR OPENERS LIKE THE KIND YOU FIND AT
PATHMARK!
Darn! And I probably would have gotten a kiss from her tonight.
(to audience)
Oh, you don't think so? Why you little-
SCENE: THE IMPOSSIBLY ELABORATE UNDERGROUND LAIR OF THE
PHANTOM
Phantom, where are we?
I'm not the Phantom, Christine, I'm the Phantom double.
Why do you exist?
What?
I didn't say anything.
REAL PHANTOM! Where are we?
This is the Phantom Of The Opera flume ride originally built
for Universal Studios. The Operahouse of France is trying to
put on a performance of a new work, but SOMETHING HAS GONE
HORRIBLY WRONG!
Wow!
(if you look in the mirror, he's
in the flume WITH YOU!)
Yeah, unfortunately the movie kinda tanked, so we took the
audio-animatronics and put them into the Broadway show. You
can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can
hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly tell! can hardly
(smacks him in the side of the
head)
SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME
MY CREPE SUZETTE!
Lemme just get comfortable here... take off my hat, my cape,
my shoes, put on my slippers, take off my mask--HA! GOTCHA!
...
Now sing for me!
SING FOR ME MY ANGEL OF MUSIC!
SING FOR ME!
DO IT!
DOOOOOO IT!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
What song do you you want me to sing? Like a specific song?
I don't know, just choose one note and sing it over and over
again.
Okay.
(singing)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
(long, deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(hyperventilates)
(in a twenty minute song that
goes like this:)
OOOOHHH DARKNESS, ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT,
MUSIC MUSIC DARKNESS ANGEL NIGHT,
LET YOUR FEAR GIVE IN TO MUSIC
LET YOUR MUSIC GIVE IN TO FEAR.
DARKNESS DARKNESS ANGEL MUSIC NIGHT
I AM YOUR ANGEL OF MUSIC
YOU ARE MY ANGEL OF MUSIC TOO
TOGETHER WE ARE DUAL ANGELS OF MUSICS.
(pacing back and forth awhile)
MUUUUUUUUUSSSSSIIIIIIIIIICSSSS
This is really endearing and not creepy at all!
Oh, so I wanted to show you this thing I made. It's a wax
figure of you, in a wedding dress.
(gesturing to it very
presentationally)
It's made to your exact dimensions. And I stole some sweat
off of your body while you were sleeping.
SO SHE SMELLS LIKE YOU TOO.
Ah.
(miming a completely
unintelligible song on the
organ)
THIS IS MY KINGDOM.
WHERE ALL MUST PAY HOMAGE TO MUSIC.
CAUSE MUSIC IS MAGIC.
LIKE THE FORCE.
I wonder what he looks like under the mask. I bet the best
way to find out is to just walk right up to him and pull it
off while he's fully awake.
OOOH! OH, YOU GOT ME!
YOU VIXEN! YOU HARLOT! YOU PANDORA! YOU DELILAH! YOU
PERSEPHONE! YOU OTHER LITERARY FIGURES I LOOKED UP ON THE
SHAKESPEARE INSULT GENERATOR!
Can I go home yet?
I finally feel for Christine's character!
SCENE: OFFICE OF BOTH OPERA OWNERS, WHERE EVERYBODY PRESUMES
RAOUL AND CHRISTINE ARE LOVERS EVEN THOUGH CHRISTINE
DISAPPEARED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THEY FIRST RE-MET.
THERE ARE SO MANY LETTERS!
SCENE: THE OTHER WORST OPERA THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR
LIFE.
I am cheating on my husband with a female dressed as a
pageboy!
I am playing a mute boy who OOPS.
Nineteenth century Frenchmen will watch anything!
Guuuuuuyyyyyyyssssssss...
(sobs ridiculously)
You didn't listen to my casting notes AT ALLLLLLLL.
Now I will casually mention bringing down the Chandelier even
though I won't decide to bring it down till the next scene.
THIS IS WAR!
(in a frog voice?)
Wait you have the power to do what now!
That's not all I can do! Check this out.
(froggily)
IT'S THE SARAN WRAP ALL OVER AGAIN!
I am NOT the lead anymore! PRIIIIMMMAAAA DOOOONNNAAAA!!!
Raoul, come quickly, we must go to the rooftop at night,
because maybe Phantoms are afraid of rooftops at night.
There is no such thing as a Phantom. Or maybe there is. I
can't decide.
Isn't it blissfully coincidental that the Phantom uses the
same "Angel of Music" terminology that my dead Dad used to?
His intimate knowledge of your childhood concerns me. How
about I propose to you without a ring right now.
C'mere, hugs!
Raoul:
Say you'll love me every waking moment,
Say you need me with you now and always,
Say you'll shelter me, and shower me with kisses,
Say you'll get me pain au chocolat at 3 AM if I want you to,
Say you'll draw me baths of the finest champagne,
and go to ridiculous lengths to appease me when I become a
cantankerous freak every fourth week of the month.
Raoul,
that's all I ask
of you.
Also do you love me enough to sing real high?
*I* love you enough to sing real high.
Oh, not even my +11 power to make statues float in mid-air
could turn your love to me.
(sobs endlessly: a master class
in terrible acting)
That's it! It's WAR.... AGAIN!
BACK AT THE OPERA, WHERE A MAN HAS DIED IN FRONT OF AN ENTIRE
HOUSE FULL OF PEOPLE BUT THEY'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH A
PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.
Oooohhh---
Look out everyone it's falling!
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY WE'RE LOSING TIME I'M THE LEAD AGAIN
Quick, it's falling entirely of its own accord in a way that
is completely unnatural to the basic laws of physics!
Get out of the way it's SPEEDING TOWARDS US.
SCENE: A FANCY MASQUERADE BALL.
Yeah I'm perfectly fine.
I obviously don't understand what a masquerade is.